Throughout the human body we find a plethora of cheese that festers and flourishes even while we sit and butter our toast. Of these Human Cheese Deposits (HCDs), toe cheese we find is much like the strong and steady path of the salmon that relentlessly surges forward to complete its task, its insignificant weight against the onrushing waters of streams and rapids, its long and persistent trek without rest and food, makes his (or her) plight look like a poor bet to even the most cocky gambler; yet, his (or her) efforts are rewarded when she (and he) finally reaches his (and her) destination with just enough energy to find a mate, make a home, reproduce, die, and stink up the air for miles around. We can all but too clearly see the parallelism between the two -- the salmon using time, strength, small streams and a natural decaying process to produce odoriferous scents, and toe cheese using the same except for the small streams.
Toe cheese has but one goal -- to exercise the gag reflex within humans. Picture this . . . you just ate a large bowl of beef stew for dinner, and topped it off with cheesecake and coffee for dessert. You retire to your bedroom for a quiet evening of toe grooming with substance analysis. Much to your curiosity and joy, there is a large deposit of toe cheese that you forked up on the hedge trimmer that you call nail clippers. Close observation reveals little about its origin (the thought of making carbon-16 tests to date the substance quickly flashes through your mind, but is immediately dismissed after realizing that you are a carpet remnant sales person and know nothing of carbon-16 tests).
The room seems to dim as the world around you reduces to three things; you, the hedge trimmer and the pasty, partially fibrous matter that looks you in the face. Your nostrils flare in anticipation of what you, and all who are in the free world and K-Mart stores know will be nothing less than THE NEXT STEP. Holding the toe product up to your nose, you inhale briskly and with gusto. In no less than half the time it takes for the prophesied sniff, your abdomen contracts violently and you barf 82 % of your dinner onto your left leg and bed sheets (the other 18 % will mix with bile in your stomach and contribute to stringy dry heaves should you be stupid enough to try that again). A small piece of carrot from the beef stew you ate and tossed up is lurking behind one of your molars and by morning time will develop into something that will be as much fun as a swarm of rabid, hungry chinch bugs at a grass growers convention held in an ineffective sewage treatment plant during a meteor shower. Life is temporarily not much fun, but who is there to blame.
This is but a glimpse of the technicolor world of toe cheese, but we can't forget other forms of cheese.
"Bison, woks and the Mormon Taberacle Choir all have one thing in common...you can never place them under your eyelid." Hogmond R.Q. Magmanonmonmem
Morning...a new beginning...a fresh day...something is growing in the corner of your eyes. Facial cheese is an issue that has only poked its face out in locker rooms, darkened pool halls and drunk tanks of police stations. Elmer Fudd would have said, "dwunk tanks"...just a thought. The morning can mean the start of a day. I tend to think of it as the end of the previous night. For this reason, a few of us can draw some likeness to Highway Accident Victims, or HAVs (plagued by Maximum Cheese Deposits -- MCDs).We're talkin' your eye cheese, we're talkin' your nose cheese, we're talkin' your mouth cheese. Nose cheese hits some worse than others -- allergy victims get a full day's supply of nasal discharge finding its merry way out of their face, into the world and onto their sleeves. Mouth cheese is the stuff that makes your tongue stick to the roof of your mouth and gums in the morning. You find out it's there when you mumble your first words in the morning and smash your alarm clock against your cat. Cats hate that. It feels like some one coated the inside of your mouth with a mixture of chicken fat, Emler's glue and fur balls. You don't feel so bad about crippling your cat because you suspect that it placed the fur balls in your mouth to begin with (it was mad at you for covering his split level cat condo with fly paper).
Robin Hood never got runs in his tights (medieval trivia).
Athletes will know of a cheese that is as familiar as the back of their hand (not to be mistaken with back- of-the-hand-cheese, found to occur most often in colder climates among people with runny noses, short sleeves and no gloves). Lip cheese is the pasty formation on the corners of one's lips who has participated in some form of physical activity. It froths and forms strands when they talk on the corners of their mouth and leaves a long stringy trail hanging from their mouth when they spit.
This condition can also be found in long winded conversationalists, whose dry mouth (and dry thoughts) provide a suitable breeding ground for Static Lip Cheese (SLC). Many a soul has been sold to the devil just for a chance to take a wet rag these peoples' faces and do a "shoeshine" on them, no questions asked.
"Your tongue is in the basement, relative to the roof of your mouth.", Me
There is another type of cheese known as "injury cheese" that effects humans who are exposed to medical treatments that confine parts of their bodies in tight quarters -- tight quarters always fit into vending machines. We're talkin' about your basic plaster cast. The plaster cast was first developed by some theoretical physicist who wanted to discover the origin of life, and, came to the conclusion that life can be spontaneously generated by putting a plaster cast onto somebody's arm or leg and leaving it there for long periods of time.The Cast Cheese Gestation Process (CCGP) follows this basic chronology; in the beginning, there are the Basic Elements (BLs) that can be found from Skin Scrapings and General Scounge (SSGSs). As time goes on, these BLs bake at Very High Temperatures (VHTs) and combine with Sweat, Pepsi, Mayonnaise and Wool Sweater Lint (SPMWSL) to form living bacteria. This bacteria combines to form Complex Gerb Chains (CGCs)...these chains combine to form critters -- larger and more intelligent. Finally these critters gather together to make you itch in places that only a hockey stick will reach. But you are out of luck -- you don't play hockey. The veins in your neck start to bulge and your brow furrows from the pain of the coat hanger that you straighten out to relieve the itch by digging and scratching into your tender flesh (flesh that will become infected within a short period of time and will force you to get your leg amputated, making you somewhat upset, but removing the itch just the same). To make matters worse, you forgot to take the jacket off of the coat hanger that you are using and now it's stuck in your cast. Your leg still itches, you've lost a jacket, but you have an idea...now you've got your leg flat out in the passing lane of a busy interstate, and you're hoping for a semi with chains on its tires to fly by and end your misery, when the critters inside see eighteen wheels and an arm full of tattoos plowing into their path. They (the critters) stop their horsing around (making you itch) and pull your leg out of the highway in time to save the lot of you. A state trooper stops and writes you up for tanning in the passing lane of an interstate and using too many acronyms.
You try to explain about the physicist, injury cheese, CCGP, BLs, SSGSs, VHT, SPMWSL CGSs, critters and the jacket in your cast but the trooper makes the arrest anyway because, let's face it, it's an old story.
While on the subject of interstates, we find it all but too common to naturally turn to the discussion of Q-Tips. What are Q-tips for if they are not meant for auditory excavation? Ask your doctor. Which brings us to the ever popular game of Q-darts. This game is played much like darts except that you use a Formica dart board and used Q-tips...fresh earwax makes a great adhesive.
Time to take a journey. Close your eyes. Anyway...imagine this...you are about as big as a medium size pimple and you are sitting on the end of a Q-tip heading straight for somebody's ear. Within seconds everything around you gets dark and you get mashed into this warm waxy gerb against some sponge-bag's eardrum. A short trip.
Speaking of pimples...I almost forgot to talk about pimple cheese, sometimes referred to as puss. Why is it that some people treat their pimples as a type of vegetation, insofar as they keep close track of them and create the best conditions for harvesting. A zit has a certain gestation period prior to which will cause only pain if you try to pop it. When the crop is ripened, your two index fingers take on a new meaning -- plows. There are some cases of HPPs, High Pressure Pimples that contribute to those weird stains on a person's mirror that you thought were from frothy dental gymnastics.
After you have squeezed a ripen pimple and an hour has gone by, there is a new substance formed in its place which I call Post-Squeezing Pimple Cheese (PSPC). It's sort of crusty and can make a noise if you drop it on glass in a quiet room...OK, I'll stop.
This is not really a full sen...
Since there is no point in making a conclusion at the end of all this, why bother. The hope was to widen the reader's vision on a topic that is most often forgotten, so that he/she may feel...when in comes to cheese, you don't need to go to the store.